This is your captain speaking. We will be landing in 20 minutes.

Cabin crew will be stationed in the aisles ready to smack anyone who appears to be not listening to the following announcement, so boys and girls, ladies and gentleman, but down your iPads and iPhones and listen up.

We’ve had a great flight for the last 10 hours, but now comes the most dangerous part of our flight. Yes, you heard me, the most dangerous part. Landing this $280 million dollar flying carpet isn’t as easy as it looks. So for your own safety, please listen.

First, I want everyone to put your shoes, sandals, whatever back on. No, your feet smell fine, that’s not why. It’s highly unlikely that we’ll need to do an emergency evacuation upon landing but if we do, it’s 130 degrees out there and the temperature on that black runway is even hotter. You’ll get third degree burns on your feet if you don’t have shoes on when you jump down the slide and run away from a plane that’s about to become a huge fireball. Since no one bothers to wear high heels anymore when they fly, I’ll skip that bit about tearing the slide.

Second, I’ve activated the overhead bin safety locks. Yes, this plane is equipped with locking overhead bins. That’s because should we have to evacuate in an emergency, I know that some of you will open the bins and slide down the chutes with your rollaboards. This is a very, very bad idea. Leave everything except your body and children. The bins will be unlocked when we are safely at the gate.

One more thing. I know you’re trying to finish that movie and glare on the screens is annoying, but cabin crew will be coming around asking you to raise the window shades. It’s for your own safety. Should flaming jet fuel be covering the runway out the left window, you’ll want to know that immediately so you won’t jump out on the left side. Keeping the shades up lets you quickly assess the conditions on the ground. It also helps your eyes adjust to the lighting conditions outside the plane.

So check the safety card in the seat back pocket to refresh your memory about the proper brace position, sit back, try to relax, and we’ll be on the ground shortly. One way or another.